Fist and Fangs Mind and Body Modification

Home Schedule Ordering Mind Modification Body Modification

So what's all this about a button, you ask?

I'll tell you.

I have issues with money. I work my ass off (voluntarily-no one makes me get up in the morning and go to work) but it seems I must struggle for every penny, and there's never enough pennies to go around after it's all said and done.

Do you know what money is? It's a symbol. It's not just currency; it's the currency of how we spend our energy, our very life force. It represents how we spend our "9 to 5" time, how we're compensated for our energy expenditures.

For some, money's abundant. Those people obviously don't need to take a look at Who They Are in relationship to what they do. They don't need to evaluate their own worth. Not their lesson, and I bless them for that. I wish I were one of them.

It seems that examination is one of my lessons in this skinsuit. I absolutely adore what I do for a living. I love writing, I love teaching, I love being in the company of people interested in being active participants in their own life. I am extraordinarily gratified by my work; it's a true reflection of Who I Say I Am. In that, I am blessed. But my work is somewhat outside the box. I help people have better sex while attempting to minister to the needs of the soul at the same time. What a joyful blending-makes my heart sing to be of service to the Universe in such a way! But it pays for shit.

Why?

Is it because those who do good are supposed to be poor (preachers and teachers, baby!)? Yeah, some. It's a cultural thing. If you Do Good, then that should be gratification enough. Billy Graham has gold-plated faucets in his bathroom. When asked why a spiritual leader needed such visible symbols of wealth, he replied "because people don't take you seriously without them." Which is true-we have very distinct ideas about what success should look like in this culture. But that backfires: if he were truly a man of God, he wouldn't need wealth, right? But without it, no one would take him seriously as a success. One isn't taken seriously unless they're a success, and to become a success by worldly standards involves money, which you can't make if you're a failure. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Does my work pay for shit because I haven't resolved my issues about what my work is worth in terms of how much I put into it and how much I get out of it in the symbols of money? Yup. I get stuck smack dab in the downward spiral mentioned above. In the past, I've actually felt guilty about being able to do what I love for a living, to the point where I've worked for free (or in worst cases, paid for the privilege of doing my job). That wears on you, lemme tellya. I've ended up disillusioned, disliking my work and resenting the people I said I wanted to assist. That's fucked up, especially since it's in direct conflict with What I Say I Do. At times, I've even considered getting a jay-oh-bee. Punch a clock, get a check, frolic in my free time. In principle, I have nothing against that. If the Universe asked it of me, I'd do it and with a glad heart. Problem is, that's not where I'm compelled to go. I'm here for something else. I know that What I Do is a reflection of the hard-won knowledge I have about Who I Am. I can't do anything else without becoming a sleepwalker. And I just can't bring myself to take the blue pill anymore.

When the comment was posted to the list about donations, it jarred me. I mean literally, like a slap to the face. When I read this:

"Or maybe presenters could add Pay Pal boxes to their websites so that those of us who have an extra dollar or two could put in to help out. I certainly think it would be worth a couple of dollars (If we each give what we can afford this could work) just to keep Deborah out there and teaching - even if I never had the chance to see her again. The work that she does, the work that Rinella and countless others like Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton(SP?) does is too valuable to allow them to suffer."

It got me right between the eyes. You mean, someone (other than me) actually wants to keep me out there, doing what I love? What I Do has value?

That challenged me HUGELY. I hate dealing with money. I was never taught to as a child; I'm female, and females in my family didn't get to go outside barefoot or learn anything about the family business. That was for boys. Catch is, I need money to survive in the world my skinsuit lives in. I came here voluntarily. I am compelled to Be Who I Am at all times, especially in how I spend my life energy. The two should work together to garner me enough cash to live on. Eventually, I hope to get it to the point where I'm not just surviving, but creating an abundance of green money energy that reflects the abundance of love I carry with me and see in others.

So I stepped up to the challenge. I put a PayPal Donations button up on my website. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done, putting up that little button (funny-I just realized I chose the smallest one they had, so that it wouldn't be obnoxious, so that people wouldn't see it as "begging"-no investment there, huh kids?): acknowledging that my work is important and valuable enough to trust that the Universe will provide for me as long as I'm Being Who I Am and letting my Doing come from that. I'm not naïve enough to assume that God will just start flinging the bucks at me as soon as I pursue my bliss. Doesn't quite work that way; I have footwork to do on the way to my Bliss. When I'm shown where one of those steps might be, I try to take it.

In this case it's a win-win. We have a saying: "put your money where your mouth is." That means prove that what you say is valuable to you is valuable enough to back it up with the symbol of your life energy. Money. We treat the things we pay for with greater respect; donating to a worthy cause reinforces what you say is important to you because you're backing up your statements of value with your very own life energy. In donating, you validate what you say is important to you. Your soul loves it when that happens.

Thanks to all of you for the opportunity to learn and evolve. Thanks for helping me to step up to my own life.

Thanks especially to Loki for being the first to validate that awkward, difficult, painful step.

It is, after all, an abundant Universe, and the really is enough to go around. Thanks for showing me that-again.

Regards,
Deborah